


drunken kisses

by Anonymous



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, but there's no actual sex in the fic itself, most ridiculous loopholes in fanfiction history, since they were drunk, the tags make this sound way scarier than it actually is, they talk a lot about sex thus the rating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 10:21:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19392124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “You’ve got to be kidding me—“, Kirito said, his voice coming out in a rush.“Why are you naked?!”, Eugeo squeaked, inching further away.“We are both naked!” Kirito tugged the dislodged blanket further up, hiding everything but his face and throat. “Please tell me you’ve just suddenly gotten a sense of humour.”“Of course not!”“I’d prefer you having the worst sense of humour ever seen in mankind to this!”





	drunken kisses

Eugeo woke up to warmth, his whole body feeling loose and relaxed. When had he last felt so comfortable? He hummed in pleasure, curling further into the warmth, something tickling his face and Eugeo realized belatedly that he was holding onto something, something smooth and soft and… definitely human.

That thought was enough to drive the lingering haze from him mind and he jerked back, staring confusedly at the man lying next to him.

Kirito.

Of course it was Kirito but what were they doing in the same bed?

The motion had to have woken up Kirito because he saw him blinking sleepily, staring at him for a few seconds before he looked down and his eyes widened. And oh, _huh?_ They weren’t wearing any clothing…

 _“You’ve got to be kidding me—“_ , Kirito said, his voice coming out in a rush.

“Why are you naked?!”, Eugeo squeaked, inching further away. 

“We are both naked!” Kirito tugged the dislodged blanket further up, hiding everything but his face and throat. “Please tell me you’ve just suddenly developed a sense of humour.”

“Of course not!”

“I’d prefer you having the worst sense of humour ever seen in mankind to this!”

“T— There is no reason to overreact this much.”

“Overreact? How am I overreacting? We slept with each other! If anything I’m underreacting, I’m still processing everything and also eighty-seven percent stuck in denial—“

“We just slept together in the same bed… the circumstances might be weird but it’s not horrible…”

Kirito stared at him blankly, his mouth opening before closing again, a disturbed expression flittering across his face. “… Eugeo you do know that when people say that they’re sleeping with each other, they don’t mean actual sleeping, right?”

Eugeo flushed red, a shock going through his body. “Y-You mean— what— we couldn’t possibly… I mean we’re both guys! A-And there’s the forbidden index!”

Kirito burrowed his face in his hands, looking extremely miserable, and groaned in a pitiful sounding voice. “This is the worst.”

Eugeo would almost feel offended if he wasn’t so busy freaking out. What Kirito said couldn’t possibly be true. For once they were both guys, so they were missing some important parts. Not to mention that even kissing was forbidden, never mind doing more than that. He refused to believe they had broken a taboo just like that. They might have been drunk but drunk enough to risk being executed?

Also, they were guys. Men didn’t like other men. That was normal.

It couldn’t be, so Eugeo was ready to defend his position, curling his fingers into the blanket. “Kirito, there is no way.”

Kirito sighed before raising his head, pointing at Eugeo’s body. “Eugeo, are you feeling sticky?”

“I’m—“ He might be. Maybe. But that didn’t prove anything. Kirito respectfully averted his gaze when Eugeo raised the blanket. Oh no.

Eugeo must have made some noise because Kirito’s shoulders slumped down.

“B-But… but… two guys couldn’t possibly… and the index…”

“They can.”

They could? Kirito and him… could?

“How…?”

Kirito shook his head. “That doesn’t matter right now.”

Eugeo wasn’t sure he agreed with him. Eugeo had seen him almost naked and even naked before on occasion and he _knew_ they had the same parts, of course they had they were both men. Kirito’s face and body build might be delicate enough to pass for a woman’s but despite having smooth and soft skin, his chest was flat and leanly muscled, and certainly his lower parts were unmistakably male.

Kirito’s dark eyes were staring at him and Eugeo had to look away and swallow heavily because for some reason there was a lump in his throat, his cheeks burning hot.

“I don’t think we’ve broken a taboo. Otherwise your eye wouldn’t be fine”, Kirito stated.

“But— you just said—“

“Eugeo, why do you think we’ve broken a taboo?”

“That’s obvious, isn’t it!? Kissing is forbidden… and so are any other se-sexual relations between unmarried men and women—“ This was ridiculous. “We didn’t…”

Kirito scratched his head, looking supremely uncomfortable. “We probably didn’t kiss… at least on the mouth that is…”, Kirito trailed off at the end and Eugeo made an uncomfortable squeaking sound like a rat being stepped on. Not on the mouth, so with other words they did it somewhere else…?

“Isn’t that weird? Why would we _… do that…_ but not kiss?”

“One of us must have remembered that’s taboo, I guess.”

Eugeo had the feeling that that had been him.

“Then we really…”

Kirito’s mouth twisted then he let out a long sigh. “Don’t look like that at me. I don’t remember anything either but considering the situation…”

Eugeo stared at the blanket trying to adjust to the new information he had been given but nothing felt real. He had slept with Kirito? Until today he hadn’t even known that was possible. Or if he believed Kirito he at least hadn’t known until yesterday. But, even so— with Kirito? Why? Kirito had said they hadn’t kissed on the lips did that mean he had kissed other places? Like his cheek or throat? His chest?

He had touched him, watched him shiver under his hands, and together had come undone?

Together with _Kirito—_

“Let’s forget this.”

“Eh?”

“It never happened.” Kirito wasn’t looking at him while he spoke. “That’s fine, right? Neither of us remembers what happened, and there’s no point in lamenting over it.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Eugeo cringed after the words were out but didn’t retract his statement, awkwardly fidgeting in place. Perhaps he shouldn’t have said that. Kirito obviously wanted to forget and forcing him to keep remembering it was cruel. But even if they were to pretend it had never happened, Eugeo didn’t think they would truly manage. At least Eugeo definitely wouldn’t. “It’s impossible.”

“Then what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know.”

Kirito sighed again. “I understand. Then you don’t have to forget, but this was… definitely a mistake. I’m sorry.”

A mistake he said.

“… You don’t need to apologize.”

Instead of answering him, Kirito further monopolized the blanket on the bed, putting it around him like make-shift clothing. “I’m going to clean up.”

“Why are you going first?”

Kirito sent him a look that Eugeo didn’t understand. “I just am.” He swung his leg over the edge of the bed, completely pulling away the blanket from Eugeo in the process who suddenly felt very naked and vulnerable despite the fact that Kirito wasn’t looking at him at all. For some reason Kirito wobbled on his first step and grimaced, red burning across his cheeks.

Kirito mumbled something that sounded a lot like “This is the worst” before grabbing his clothing and Eugeo opted to look away staring at the wall instead, Kirito cursing in the background.

“If you dare to turn around I’ll never forgive you.”

“I’m not!”

* * *

After much back and forth, both of them were presentable around an hour later. Eugeo would complain about how long Kirito had taken but decided otherwise when he had seen his face.

Of course a bad mood was to be expected considering what had happened between them but for some reason Kirito was especially upset and Eugeo would ask if he didn’t think that Kirito would bite off his head for that.

Eugeo side eyed Kirito and accidentally met his eye in the process, some red creeping across Kirito’s cheeks before he turned away, his face contorting, and Eugeo was left blinking at him. Maybe Kirito wasn’t actually angry as much as he was embarrassed?

Kirito stabbed another vegetable.

… Angry _and_ embarrassed it was.

* * *

“Kirito how do two men have sex?”, Eugeo asked around a day later in their room, Kirito freezing up.

“Why do you ask?”

“Why you say… just because.”

Kirito scribbled something on his paper, his back still oddly straight. “If the information is going to be useless to you either way, then there isn’t a point in telling you, right? Rather than thinking about that, shouldn’t you be studying?”

The actual outrage of being reprimanded for not studying by Kirito of all people was enough to make him speechless for some seconds where he unattractively gaped at his back before he got his act together. “I don’t want to hear anything from you when it comes to studying. I bet you aren’t even studying right now.”

“How— how would you know?”

“Should I come over and check?”, Eugeo countered.

Kirito twitched and Eugeo didn’t miss the fact that he moved his body so that he’d have an easier time jumping up if Eugeo followed up his threat. So much for studying.

“No need.”

“That’s what I thought. And I don’t like you deciding for me that there is no point in knowing something. What does it matter what I want to know it for?”

Kirito turned around sharply in his chair, his face shadowed by the lamp, then stood up and grabbed his things.

“… What are you doing?”

“Well, Eugeo-kun, it is true I have no right to decide what you have the right to know or not but I do have the right not to tell you something, so good luck trying to figure it out on your own.”

“How would I even—“

“That’s your problem. Until later.”

Kirito jumped out of the window and Eugeo resisted the urge to do something as juvenile as throwing a book against the wall or laying something in front of the window for Kirito to trip over when he came back.

So Kirito didn’t want him to know how two guys had sex.

Eugeo wasn’t mad about that. Or frustrated.

… Didn’t he have the right to know? Kirito did. Eugeo was the only one to have no idea what they did that night. And even leaving aside that night, where was the harm in him knowing how two guys did it? He wouldn’t just suddenly jump Kirito or anything like that! Unless Kirito thought that was what had happened that night. But that was ridiculous. Also, in the first place, hadn’t Kirito told him how to do it? Eugeo didn’t know so…

Maybe he hadn’t even explained anything and had simply jumped into it. That sounded like Kirito too.

Eugeo sighed in frustration, throwing a hand over his face.

He wanted to know.

If he knew surely he’d stop thinking about it, his imagination running wild.

* * *

Eugeo had actually gone through the trouble of going to the library next day and looking through every single book that he thought might have something on sexual intercourse. It wasn’t like he thought he’d find anything of man-on-man sex but he’d hoped for a hint. At some point he was pretty sure the librarian had caught on and now had the completely wrong impression of him.

Or maybe it was the right impression?

But he wasn’t doing this because he was horny or anything like that. He was just curious. Extremely curious. As soon as he knew he would stop fantasizing about strange things, so this was for a good cause.

While the librarian probably did think he was a pervert now, he indeed had learnt some things during his extended stay at the library like sensitive places on the human body and weak points. Obviously most of these things were only applicable towards women but Kirito did have nipples after all and he wondered… even without breasts were they sensitive?

They looked like they should be, but Eugeo himself wasn’t quite sure what he was basing this on.

Eugeo was still contemplating this when entering their dorm room.

“Did you really think you’d find something at the library?”

“K-Kirito!”, Eugeo said, his heart skipping a beat. How had he—?

There was a complicated expression on Kirito’s face that quickly morphed into aggravation. “I can’t believe it. It’s not that interesting…”

Eugeo scowled. “If I knew how it was done, I’d probably think the same.”

“Easy for you to say!”

“Again, of course it is, I don’t know!”

“Ah, you’re persistent! _I get it._ Before you do something as stupid as asking other people about their sex lives, fine. I’ll tell you. I’ll even answer your questions as best as I can but I’ll warn you beforehand, you’ll just wish you had never asked!”

Eugeo thought Kirito was definitely getting needlessly agitated over this, not to mention that Eugeo himself explained things to him all the time, so this should be for the par, but he’d gotten what he wanted, so he said nothing. He’d complain later when Kirito had already told him everything.

* * *

“So you want to know about gay sex.”

“About what?”

“Same-sex sexual intercourse.”

“What was the word you used before?”

“Just ignore it.”

“… Fine.” He was going to figure out what all the weird things Kirito said meant sooner or later. Definitely.

“I’m not that well-versed in it because I never had much interest or exposure to it, but I know the basics.”

Eugeo wondered how many guys were out there having sex with each other because the way Kirito said it, it sounded like something pretty commonplace. And Kirito had amnesia. Had Eugeo just missed all these men having sex with each other? Was it going on behind everyone’s back? Or did they know?

“Did you have sex before?”, Eugoe asked and then wished he could take it back immediately.

Kirito’s face slipped. “… You’re seriously asking me that?”

“Sorry…”

“You’re impossible. I’ve never slept with a guy before you came along. Happy now?”

Then Kirito had lost his virginity to Eugeo.

Eugeo bit his lip, something squirming in his chest.

“What are you getting all embarrassed over?”, Kirito asked, one of his eyebrows raised and Eugeo could feel him judging him.

“N-Nothing.” So what if he was just the tiniest bit happy. At least this meant that he wasn’t the only one to give his virginity to Kirito that night. They were friends, it could have been worse. Of course Kirito might have had same-sex sexual intercourse before he had gotten amnesia but if he didn’t remember it then it might as well not have happened and –

Wait.

“A shear for your thoughts?”, Kirito said, interrupting his steadily declining inner monologue. Of course there was no way he’d tell Kirito any of the things that had gone through his brain right now or since the that night for that matter.

“No.”

“Whatever. Basically speaking sex between two men is not all too different from strai— I mean, sex between a man and a woman.”

“Eh?”

“You can do most things.”

“The parts are missing.”

Kirito made a pained noise, shaking his head. “There are other things to sex than penetration; didn’t you just read a whole library’s worth of information on sexual intercourse?”

Eugeo ignored the second half of the sentence just on principle. “So two guys can’t after all.”

He couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed since he had been imagining all kinds of ridiculous explanations but logically speaking it made sense. He had been so fixated on the penetration part that he hadn’t even thought of the fact that it wasn’t even necessary.

“Did you know that there are guys who are not satisfied with vaginal sex and prefer anal sex?”, Kirito asked out of nowhere.

“Anal?”

Kirito tapped with his foot impatiently against the floor. “I know you’ve heard that word before.”

“But like… the butt?”

“That’s right.”

Eugeo stared at Kirito who stared right back and furrowed his brows. “Why…?” He himself wasn’t quite sure what the question was. Maybe there wasn’t even a question and he was just questioning the state of the world.

“Supposedly it feels good… for the guy.”

“That sounds horrible.” Like actual torture and Eugeo was genuinely disturbed right now.

“Some people like it.”

“What?” Eugeo thought that sounded highly dubious. That place wasn’t made for anything to go inside. It sounded about as pleasant as somebody saying they wanted to shove a hilt into his ear, there was no way it didn’t hurt. “There is no way that feels good.”

Kirito shrugged. “Honestly I’m also doubtful but people are different after all. Even if it’s a minority there are probably some people out there who like it.”

“No, I don’t think there’s anyone. It has to hurt.”

“Apparently if you lubricate that place, it’s fine.”

“Huh?”

“… Since you know the body doesn’t do the work for you.”

“…”

“You’ve read up on sex between a woman and a man, right? It’s similar. Pretty much every book I read with some section about sexual intercourse talks about the importance of extra lubrication and stretching, the books here can’t be too different…”

“I suppose”, Eugeo started. “I suppose it can be done.” Maybe. “But even so…”

Leaving aside whether it felt good or not, it sounded gross. The butt? But that was where _that_ came out from and people used that for sex?

Kirito smiled blandly at him as if having read his thoughts. “You’d rather not have known that?”

“I—“, Eugeo wasn’t quite sure what to answer, trying to read Kirito’s expression who seemed to have closed off at some point. “Why are you telling me this?”

 _“You_ are the one who wanted to know how penetrative sex between two men is possible.”

“I can’t be—“

“Well, I expected such a reaction.”

Then Kirito and him— but Kirito had just said— “But it doesn’t feel good for one party, right?”

“It’s a little bit different for guys. They have a spot in their body that actually makes anal sex feel good.”

“Then you put it _in my butt?”,_ Eugeo asked with a high voice, visibly unnerved. That morning his life hadn’t been reduced, so Kirito’s stories about using lubrication to make the whole process less uncomfortable had to be true, but even so—

Kirito’s eyes widened before he looked down, seemingly contemplating something, then looked up again, something careful about the way he spoke. “Don’t worry, Eugeo, just because it’s possible doesn’t mean we did it. In fact if you didn’t notice anything, doesn’t that mean nothing of that nature happened that night?”

That might be true but—

Kirito smiled at him reassuringly and put his hand onto Eugeo’s shoulder, squeezing once strongly. “No reason to make that face, your ass-virginity is fine, so let’s go and eat something, shall we?”

“You want to eat after this?”

“You are the one who wanted to know, Eugeo-kun! You can’t blame me for this!”

Kirito seemed strangely relieved even though he was obviously still affected and Eugeo thought that he should be too but all of this was just too much right now, his brain running a million miles an hour. Nobody had been entered so—

“Ah, it can’t be—“ Kirito’s whole body tensed up and if Eugeo hadn’t been so shocked, he’d have known better than not to pay attention to his next few words. “Why would I take _you?”_

Kirito took a sharp step away from him, his shoulders rising. “… What are you talking about?”

Why had Kirito let Eugeo hold him? Wouldn’t the other way make more sense? Eugeo hadn’t even known what to do, so Kirito must have explained it to him.

But any other explanation wouldn’t make sense, this way everything would fit. Kirito’s strange actions, his reticence in telling Eugeo about this kind of sex, his bad mood and the reason he had stumbled that morning… And then of course he had taken forever to clean himself up and his insistence in getting to clean off first— “D-Did I _come_ in you—?”, Eugeo asked, scandalized.

Kirito turned around and without looking back even once left the room, the door falling shut behind him.

* * *

Kirito was straight up ignoring him.

Usually it was Eugeo getting mad at Kirito so this situation wasn’t only mostly unprecedented but also meant that he had no clue how to react. He had tried to talk to him a few times but Kirito would either act like he didn’t hear him or demonstratively show him the cold shoulder. The latter was almost more bearable than the former at least that meant that he got a reaction.

To make everything worse, Eugeo couldn’t stop thinking about the new information he had gotten. In retrospective he’d decided that his aversion towards anal sex had probably been kind of biased. Sure it did sound strange on first glance but then again; sex was pretty weird.

The problem was that gaining new information hadn’t sated his curiosity at all. He knew roughly how to do it but how had they done it? Had he prepared Kirito? Had Kirito prepared himself? He hoped he had been prepared at the very least because the thought of having hurt Kirito during sex made him feel horrible.

… Had Kirito enjoyed it?

Thoughts like these made his cheeks catch fire, his skin feeling too hot and itchy.

Eugeo wanted to know but there was nobody he could ask because not even Kirito remembered. And while he could try to at the very least figure out if he had hurt Kirito by asking him if he had been in pain in the morning or if his life had been reduced; it was obvious from Kirito’s actions that he didn’t want to talk about it at all.

But it bothered him.

Not just the curiosity but the thought of possibly having hurt him was—

Horrifying.

“Kirito, please talk to me. I won’t ask anything about that day anymore and I’m sorry for prying even though you were uncomfortable.”

Eugeo held his breath when Kirito raised his hand, just for disappointment to settle in when Kirito just turned another page. He hadn’t even known that Kirito could hold a grudge, usually Kirito couldn’t stay mad for longer than thirty seconds. His words had definitely been insensitive and he had crossed a line but honestly he was surprised Kirito was this mad.

Embarrassment he would have seen coming, maybe even outrage in a ‘what the heck do you think you are asking me’ kind of way but this was…

Strange.

“I’ll forget about that night”, he tried because, while he didn’t want to, if it made Kirito this unhappy, he’d give his best. Perhaps he should have just done that in the first place. Certainly none of this had been worth _this._

Kirito sighed and closed his book. “Don’t bother; you won’t be able to forget it in the first place, right? Though I bet you really want to at this point.”

For the first time in two days, black eyes were directly looking at him, Kirito’s hair moving lightly in the breeze from the open window. “That’s not…”, Eugeo trailed off unsure what he was trying to say? That’s not true?

“It’s fine.” Kirito placed the book carefully on the table, his finger running over the cover. “I wasn’t really mad at you in the first place.”

“… What are you…?”

Kirito looked at him from below his fringe, his lip twisted just slightly. “I was mostly mad at myself.”

“What for?” Eugeo didn’t understand anything anymore. If Kirito wasn’t mad at Eugeo why had he been ignored for twenty-six hours?

“You know… things… like being dumb enough to get drunk, sleeping with you. Sleeping with you. The way I handled the situation afterwards and a bunch of other things…”

“You said sleeping with me twice…”

“It’s the thing I regret the most. Well, I can’t recall any of it though.”

Kirito sounded defeated and Eugeo felt something in him twinge painfully. Kirito hated it so much. Eugeo himself hadn’t really had any overly negative reaction to it, maybe because he couldn’t remember it, so it didn’t quite feel real, or maybe because he’d truly, genuinely believed that losing his virginity to Kirito wasn’t such a bad thing.

Hearing Kirito sound so upset over this kind of made him want to cry.

They might have been both drunk but seeing Kirito feel so bad about himself afterwards made Eugeo feel— feel like he had wronged him. Like he had done something to him and he couldn’t take it back. “… If you don’t remember it, then it might as well have never happened”, Eugeo said, something in him dying a little bit.

Kirito stared somewhere into the distance, biting his lip. “I wonder about that. At the very least, I don’t think I can accept that for myself right now.”

“Sorry, that was insensitive. You have amnesia and I keep on saying stupid things.”

“You are apologizing too much. I don’t mind what you said. Actually, I still need to apologize for my behaviour the last days. I went overboard. I might have been angry at some of the things you said but that was mostly me being confronted with things I didn’t want to think about.”

“Is that so?”

“That’s right. And about sleeping with me… I know you can’t forget it but you don’t need to be so bothered.” Kirito scratched his neck. “It didn’t mean anything. You were so drunk that you don’t remember anything anymore, so I wouldn’t even be surprised if you mistook me for a girl. Or thought it was a dream or something.”

Eugeo’s hand curled into a fist, feeling a lot like somebody had just dumped ice-cold water on him. Kirito wasn’t necessarily wrong— but that’s how he thought about it? In that case… what they did that night certainly couldn’t be any more meaningless.

“That’s why you don’t need to feel any shame or remorse or anything about what you possibly did or didn’t do.”

“Didn’t you just say the opposite about yourself?”

Kirito grimaced. “This isn’t about me. Also I have my reasons.”

“Fine”, Eugeo said quietly.

Kirito perked up. “What did you just say?”

“I said I got it. You’re right. I was too hung up on this. Considering our state, it was about as meaningful as a dog in heat rubbing out one on a shoe. No, maybe even worse.”

Kirito’s face turned weirdly pale and Eugeo decided to leave to hide the growing wetness in his eyes.

For Kirito anyone or anything might have done it in his state but if Eugeo had remembered that they weren’t allowed to kiss while they were having sex, then he had to have remembered he was sleeping with a guy and had had enough rationality to know that he _could_ sleep with him. There was only one guy Eugeo wouldn’t mind sleeping with.

He had known it was Kirito.

* * *

Figuring out that he had a crush on Kirito just made everything worse.

That he had taken that long in the first place, even after realizing they had slept with each other just was a sign of how badly he had wanted it not to be true. His heart feeling light and too full at the same time when Kirito was close? A side-effect of not having had any friends for so long. His eyes lingering over his form? He was just admiring a fellow swordsman’s muscles.

There had been thousands of signs but he had had as many excuses and it had come to the point that even when he started actively imagining having sex with Kirito, he had told himself that it was just curiosity.

Eugeo was almost amazed.

No wonder Kirito had been so angry when Eugeo had kept on bothering him about something he just wanted to forget. If Eugeo had slept with Gorgolosso-senpai, he certainly wouldn’t want to think about it either.

Despite Eugeo’s best efforts, his thoughts would often stray to things Kirito was never allowed to learn about but those fantasies always left behind a bad aftertaste that made him want to throw up. Kirito wouldn’t have slept with Eugeo if he hadn’t been drunk, didn’t want to sleep with Eugeo and was there a point in seeing Kirito lick his lips and wondering how it’d feel to do the same, just for his brain to remind him swiftly that there was nothing Kirito would enjoy less?

He also had had a few wet dreams but whenever he looked up during them, Kirito never looked happy. Eugeo started calling them nightmares after some time because he’d always wake up in cold sweat, needing to throw up.

It came to the point where even being in the same room as Kirito was difficult. He’d remember Kirito’s words, think about the night they had spent together and want to cry. That night was meaningless. It was meaningless but it had meant something to Eugeo and Kirito thinking of it as nothing more but the product of two overly drunk people trying to get off hurt.

The worst part was when Eugeo started wondering about how drunk Kirito had been that night in comparison to Eugeo. Eugeo might have slept with the man he liked but Kirito didn’t even like him.

Had Eugeo simply taken advantage of Kirito’s state even while drunk?

How consenting had Kirito really been during this? He himself had admitted to Eugeo that he thought anal sex sounded painful, so Eugeo couldn’t see him agreeing to it just to get off. Not to mention that Eugeo had been the one to hold _Kirito_ and that was just plainly strange no matter how he thought about it. Kirito should have been leading as the only one knowing what he was doing. Obviously Eugeo had heard of anal sex from Kirito but that didn’t necessarily mean at all that Kirito had told him about it because he wanted to sleep with Eugeo, never mind wanting to be penetrated.

Eugoe was starting to wonder if maybe he hadn’t actually jumped Kirito after all.

After that thought had settled in his brain, Eugeo became unable to look Kirito into the eyes. He wouldn’t have hurt Kirito nor would have used him like this. _He wouldn’t_ —

Or would he?

Eugeo had dreams and thoughts about hurting Kirito before – not necessarily sexual ones but now that he knew of his own feelings, some of them started to look even more dubious than before. Most of the thoughts were fleeting but that didn’t make it necessarily better. He’d lose Kirito in a plaza and wish almost casually that he had a collar and chain so he Kirito couldn’t go anywhere without his permission. That wasn’t even by far the worst thought he’d ever had.

Of course Eugeo had never planned on doing anything to Kirito.

Whenever he had caught himself thinking such a thing there would be shame and guilt but usually Eugeo just ignored these thoughts. Pretending he never had them had been possible before but right now where it had become probable that he had indeed acted upon them while in a drunken state, Eugeo felt like he couldn’t trust himself anymore.

Being wrong in the head was one thing— being wrong in the head and hurting Kirito was unforgiveable.

“Eugeo, what are you doing?”

Eugeo flinched and quickly closed his notebook in an attempt to hide the fact that he had been doing absolutely nothing, Kirito’s head only cens away from his own where he was looking over his shoulder.

Kirito raised an eyebrow at his over the top reaction, his hold on Eugeo’s shoulder tightening. Eugeo couldn’t quite stop himself from reacting, his body tensing up. Recently he had realized that Kirito actually had really nice hands.

Needless to say the last days had been eye-opening when it came down to that. Before his revelation Eugeo had already been staring quite a lot at Kirito but it was only now that Eugeo had become aware of how often he’d admired Kirito’s features in more than platonic ways.

Kirito hovered next to him for a few seconds, apparently hesitating before he spoke up again. “Ah, sorry, were you by any chance doing something... err, private?” Kirito seemed a bit awkward, clearing his throat before he stepped back, enabling Eugeo to relax some.

“What are you talking about?”

“… You weren’t, huh…” Eugeo had no idea what to make of his tone.

“Kirito?” It was difficult but Eugeo forced himself to look into Kirito’s black eyes before his strong gaze made him avert them again. It felt like Kirito would just see through him if he continued to hold his gaze, would see all the ugliness in him, and more than anything else, he didn’t want that. He didn’t want Kirito to leave. “What’s wrong?”, he inquired nervously, staring at the flooring.

“A lot.”

“What are you—?“

“I’m going to the other room. It seems like you can’t concentrate with me around.”

Instead of protesting, Eugeo kept his head lowered until Kirito had left the room, his chest thumping painfully. He was a moron. Thinking that Kirito wouldn’t notice that something was wrong with him – the height of stupidity.

He was stupid but he couldn’t do this anymore.

His feelings towards Kirito felt like they were crushing him and the knowledge that they were one-sided had done nothing to abate them at all. There was probably nothing he could do about being a horrible human being anymore but if at least his hopeless crush disappeared—

Maybe he’d be able to act normally around Kirito again.

He didn’t want to hurt Kirito any more than this and that night was a clear sign he was out of control. He needed space, space to breathe and most importantly space to get his act together. Even if he’d already failed his duties as Kirito’s partner and that was something he couldn’t make up for anymore, he couldn’t stay like this. If Kirito knew how Eugeo was looking at him, what kind of dreams plagued his nights and daydreams his days, he’d surely be horrified. _Eugeo_ would be horrified if he heard anyone else voice thoughts like his.

He took a deep breath and stood up, knowing that if he didn’t do it right now, he’d never do it.

Telling Kirito that he needed some space wouldn’t be easy but he couldn’t keep doing this to him any longer and it was just temporary.

Kirito would be fine.

* * *

Kirito wasn’t fine at all.

“It’s because we had sex, isn’t?”, Kirito gripped his clothing tightly, looking somehow so small and miserable that Eugeo wanted to hug him to comfort him but that would be counterproductive, so he just stood there uselessly. “Because we had sex we can’t be friends anymore?”

Eugeo’s felt his heart miss a beat, invisible hands choking him. “That’s not true!”

“You won’t even look at me anymore!”, Kirito’s voice was louder than usually, breaking in the middle of the sentence. “If it was going to become like this, I should have just lied!”

“What are you talking about?”

Kirito glared at the floor, and Eugeo was pretty sure he wasn’t imagining that his eyes looked slightly wet. “When we woke up you hadn’t realized yet that we had sex but like a moron I decided to be honest and tell you. Well, I didn’t do it to be honest though”, Kirito chuckled humourlessly. “I just thought that you’d realize soon either way and wanted to spin the situation to my favour while I still could.”

“That’s… no good…” It was surprisingly manipulative and Eugeo didn’t know what to answer. “You’d just have kept quiet if there had been no signs?”

Kirito pressed his lips together then shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. At that time I was thinking that you deserved to know and that I had to tell you as your friend for your sake and the sake of our friendship. But if I had known that you’d react like this, I probably wouldn’t have been able to gather the courage to say anything. I’d have pretended to know nothing.”

Eugeo let out a sharp breath, something in his chest hurting. Those were Kirito’s honest thoughts but also they were the thoughts he had wanted to keep hidden on all costs. The fact that he was revealing them to him right now meant that he had given up. This wasn’t a sign of trust. It was a farewell speech. “… Stop it. It’s fine, so you don’t need to tell me anything.”

“It’s not fine. You’re so disgusted just at the thought of touching me that you cringe away! It’s not just suddenly going to go away Eugeo. Saying that you’ll deal with it later or that you just need distance right now are just pretty words. I know that. Sure, maybe in half-a-year or more you’ll be able to hold normal conversations with me but those will always just be shallow. You won’t want to talk to me, so you’ll avoid me. I’ll just become an existence reminding you of that night, reminding you of the things you want to forget and your mistakes. You’ll come to resent me… maybe you already do.”

That sounded personal. Like something he had personally experienced before and Eugeo could feel his own heart speed up because he couldn’t refute it. Even if the reason he wanted distance was different, could he honestly say Kirito’s words wouldn’t come true?

Eugeo wanted to believe that with just a little bit distance he’d get over his crush and they could go back to normal but he didn’t know how to convince Kirito of the truthfulness of his words without even telling him what the problem was.

“I don’t resent you. This is not on you either, it’s my problem and I’m sorry to have involved you into it… That’s why, Kirito, you don’t need to feel bad. I’ll definitely get over this and I’ll be normal again. I won’t abandon you like this.”

Kirito sighed. “Aren’t you though? No, sorry, that’s just me being selfish. Eugeo that promise, you don’t have to keep it.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying it’s fine.” Kirito straightened his back. “I’m sorry Eugeo, this is my fault.”

“It’s not!”

Kirito looked down.

“No, no it is.”

* * *

Considering how painful being around Kirito had become, he had thought that being away from him would be easy but he couldn’t have been more wrong. Poisonous thoughts were still keeping him up and being away from Kirito just gave him more time to mull over them. He wasn’t sure which of his thoughts to believe anymore, his head a mess. Meanwhile he couldn’t stop replaying their conversations in his head like a dog gnawing at the same bone again and again.

Eugeo was too distracted.

Kirito had somehow managed the most obnoxious feat of them all and endeared himself to Eugeo so much that even his absence was throwing him off. All in all the time he spent thinking about Kirito hadn’t been reduced at all just that he now was also dealing with both missing him and being worried for his emotional state.

The times Eugeo did address him, Kirito always diverted the topic, running off as fast as possible.

Quite frankly speaking Kirito didn’t look so good, despite his best efforts of seeming normal. He was also napping all the time to the point that Eugeo was starting to think that perhaps he spent more time asleep than awake by now.

When Eugeo saw Kirito nodding off in the dining hall, he officially had enough.

He grabbed Kirito by the scruff of his neck and dragged him off, ignoring his startled protests.

“What the heck— Eugeo? What are you doing?”

“We’re talking to each other one more time.”

“Why?”, Kirito tried to resist some, almost running into a wall thanks to his effort and he squeaked in panic before Eugeo saved him from his fate by tugging him out of the way. “It’s been only four days!”

Eugeo glanced at his flustered face, his heart thumping painfully. He hadn’t seen him this animated since he’d asked for space. “I know.”

Kirito made a frustrated noise but let himself be lead to their room, probably deciding that this conversation wasn’t appropriate for the corridors of their academy.

“I hadn’t finished eating yet…”, he grumbled unhappily and Eugeo burst out laughing.

“Sorry.” He looked back at Kirito, the smile still on his face, something like a blush spreading across Kirito’s cheeks before he looked down. Was Kirito embarrassed…? What for?

“You’re the worst”, Kirito decided.

* * *

Eugeo had to stop himself from slamming the door behind him, Kirito straightening his collar with a complicated expression on his face. “Was this really necessary?”

“You avoided me the last times I tried to talk to you.”

“You wanted space!”

“I know but I spent four days without you and it was horrible.” It was a little bit too honest for Eugeo’s taste but if he didn’t start being honest somewhere, this might not be salvageable.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. What was all that drama about then—?”, Kirito pressed his hand against his eyes, his teeth clenched tightly together and Eugeo did him the favour of waiting for some moments until he had calmed down. From how white his knuckles were and how his face shivered, it was obvious he was trying to stop himself from crying.

Eugeo looked away and only raised his eyes again when he hear Kirito sigh, his hand falling down. “What’s going on?”

“I miss you”, he admitted and Kirito’s shoulder’s drew up.

“… Fine.”

“Kirito, I’m sorry but you can hit me afterwards or ignore me for a week—“

“You couldn’t even hold out for four days.”

“Then hit me.”

“You’re being ridiculous.”

“I _need_ to know”, he looked Kirito straight into the eyes. “Did I hurt you? We were both drunk and I don’t remember at all but—“

“You didn’t”, Kirito interrupted him, scratching his cheek. “I was fine.”

“But you stumbled—“

“Because—!” Kirito drew back, a bright blush on his cheek. “Because you… you came in me— why do I have to say it?! Wasn’t it obvious?!”

Eugeo made a pained noise. “I really did, huh? No wonder you were so sure we slept with each other…”

“Were you really this preoccupied with such a small matter?”

“How was it small? You were really glaring at me afterwards!”

“I was just angry! I told you it wasn’t about you!”

“Why? Wasn’t I—“, Eugeo swallowed. “Wasn’t I the one that jumped you?”

_“Huh?”_

“You’re the one who was… you know…”

Kirito moved forward and squished together both of Eugeo’s cheeks, his eyebrows pulled low.

“How did it come to this? Isn’t it obvious I told you how things are done? There’s no way you could have jumped me!”

Eugeo pushed away Kirito’s hands, his heart frantically beating in his chest. “But isn’t it strange?! You told me yourself you don’t think that _that_ would feel good! No matter how drunk you were why would you volunteer?! If it was just about feeling good, wouldn’t holding me make more sense? I wouldn’t have resisted! Me jumping you is the only thing that fits!”

“It’s exactly because I didn’t think I’d feel good that it had to be me!”, Kirito almost shouted before he took a step backwards his hand pressing against his lips.

“Eh?”

Kirito made a pained face before he slowly let down his shaking hand, his eyes unable to meet Eugeo’s. “I wouldn’t want to hurt you, so…”

“What are you talking…? Do you… remember…?”

Kirito shook his head. “I don’t remember. But that’s what I’d do right now, so I’m sure.”

What was up with that? He got that Kirito didn’t want to hurt him but that was just— why would he go that far? Eugeo didn’t want him to go that far! Doing something he didn’t like or was uncomfortable with, he didn’t want him to go that far for _anyone!_ That was just horrible! “B-But that would mean you’d have to have known it was me. Nothing makes sense then—“

“It does”, Kirito said quietly.

“It doesn’t! Why would you want to sleep with me?”

“Because I like you.”

Eugeo’s heart stopped.

Or at least it felt like it, Kirito flushed red, his lips pressing tightly together. He had to be joking because that—

“You said it was meaningless”, he almost whispered, Kirito’s head sunk.

“What else was I supposed to say? You were really worrying about it! And… it wasn’t a lie. I don’t know what I was thinking that night but— even so!”, he looked up, his face anguished. “It was the absolute worst thing I could have done! I don’t know exactly what I did to convince you to sleep with me but taking advantage of your vulnerable state like this… I don’t know how to call myself your partner anymore!”

Eugeo’s eyes widened, his head pounding. They were fools. If they had just talked to each other, it would have never come this far. “Kirito— that… Is what I was thinking too.”

“Wha— What are you…?”

“Honestly I didn’t really mind when I figured out we had slept with each other but you turned out to be so upset about it that I started to feel responsible.”

“You… didn’t mind…?”

Eugeo walked forward until he was close enough to touch Kirito easily just by stretching out his arm, Kirito looking ready to run away. Eugeo smiled at him and grabbed his hand softly. It was shaking. “I like you too.”

Kirito froze, staring at their intertwined hands before looking back at Eugeo. “… A lie?” He himself didn’t seem too assured of his assessment.

“Why do you think I was so obsessed with same-sex sexual intercourse?”

Kirito made an aborted noise.

“We are never doing it again though.”

If somehow possible the second one sounded even more alarmed than the first.

“I don’t want to do anything you don’t like.”

“Are you an idiot?”, Kirito asked without any delicacy like usually. “If I didn’t want to have sex I wouldn’t have cajoled— no, I mean asked you…? I don’t know what happened that night!”

Eugeo didn’t quite bring it over himself to say that he was pretty sure he was the one who had initiated the sexual part of their relationship considering how utterly preoccupied he had been with sex recently. Kirito being attractive wasn’t really an excuse.

“There are other things to sex than penetration, right?”

Kirito twitched. “That doesn’t mean that I never want to try it. Not that you have to but—“, he looked away the red on his cheeks fetching. “I’m curious.”

Eugeo bit his lip, heat spreading through his body and really, it was unfair what kind of an effect Kirito had on him. “You admitted you think it’ll hurt.”

“So? That’s my problem, even so I want try…”

Eugeo was pretty sure that was exactly the wrong attitude to have in bed and when it came to relationships. “I understand.”

Kirito made a relieved sound.

“I’ll go first though.”

“What?”

“It’s smarter either way since you know what to do. And then I’ll be prepared next time.”

“Just wait a second—“, Kirito threw in, waving his hand around. “Why should the virgin in the relationship take over the scarier part? As your teacher I should go first.”

“I wouldn’t do anything to you that I wouldn’t let you do to me—“, Eugeo blinked, something ringing in his head. “Wait, virgin? But you don’t remember either…”

If he didn’t remember but still excluded himself from the virgin section then Kirito had to have had sex before that night—

“Kirito?!”

Kirito seemed to realize his mistake because he took a step back and raised both of his hands as if to placate him. “Wait, Eugeo-kun, there is a very good explanation for this…”

“But you said that you didn’t sleep with a man before!”

Was that a lie? Had Kirito lied to him?

“I didn’t, I didn’t!”

“But the taboo index forbids sexual intercourse before marriage! You’re married—? And what happened to your amnesia?!”

“Ah, damn it…”

**Author's Note:**

> There are no actual kisses anywhere in this fic. As a matter of fact they didn't even kiss while they were having sex, so it's an absolute misnomer.  
> On this note despite Kirito and Eugeo going off in a tangent, their drunken sex was as consensual as drunken sex can get. I tried to hint at what happened that night but I think it was a failure? I'll leave it to you guys to give the final verdict.


End file.
